how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
