Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
