Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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