i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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