woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
