and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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