I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What a dumb baby whore.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
