i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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