College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
