So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
