did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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