I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
