The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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