omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize