just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
