I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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