if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
