I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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