Sry I called you an 8
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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