I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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