Reggie can tackle my bush.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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