So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
