Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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