You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
