Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
