***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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