We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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