Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
