Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
