Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
