Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
