bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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