4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
