I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just high enough for therapy.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
