He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
