Yo dont text me then not text me
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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