she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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