omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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