I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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