The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
