Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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