I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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