the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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