I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
