Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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