dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
