he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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