good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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