you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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