A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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