Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
