Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
