nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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