i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
