I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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