There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
