i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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