True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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