Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
