she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
