i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
